


To See If I Can Catch A Dream

by vicchan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Communication, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27781477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicchan/pseuds/vicchan
Summary: ‘Victor I am 24 years old, if there was a way to never feel anxious I’m pretty sure I would have figured it out by now.’‘But you’ve never allowed someone to help you before,’~Just a conversation I imagine taking place between Victor and Yuuri, shortly after the GPF in Barcelona, featuring Victor learning how to deal with Yuuri's anxiety.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Kudos: 56





	To See If I Can Catch A Dream

‘You’re my favourite Yuuri’ Victor said, nuzzling into Yuuri’s neck. Yuuri squirmed a little, turning his head slightly to hide his small grin that was forming ‘And you’re my favourite Victor’ He responded.

‘Really?’ Victor looked up, an echo of his heart shaped smile on his mouth and a teasing glint in his eyes.

‘Hmm’ Yuuri pretended to think ‘I think I liked my dog better actually’.

Victor blinked, his gaze going from mischievous to confused. ‘But your dog’s name was Vicchan?’

Yuuri tensed slightly, realising what he’d let slip, although he stopped himself from getting too worked up, Victor had to find out at some point after all and he supposed it was better like this, in a casual conversation rather than making it into a big thing and getting himself stressed over it. ‘Uhh, I-‘

Yuuri’s clumsy response was cut off when Victor faced lit up into a huge heart shaped grin ‘you named your dog after me?!’

Yuuri cringed just a bit, naming his dog after his idol seemed like a wonderful idea when he was twelve and even as he grew up and realised that Victor wasn’t exactly a fitting name for the small poodle, he couldn’t quite bring himself to regret the choice. Vicchan was a cute enough nickname for the dog anyway. He nodded slightly in confirmation.

‘Yuuuuuri!’ Victor rolled over, pulling Yuuri rest on his chest and snuggling him into his arms. ‘That’s adorable!’

‘It’s quite embarrassing actually’ Yuuri muttered, he could feel his cheeks warming. He relaxed into Victor’s embrace anyway.

‘No it’s not,’ Victor protested ‘I’m honoured to be the namesake of such an adorable puppy!’

Yuuri snorted, ‘surprised you didn’t realise, with my mum calling Vicchan and all.’

Victor looked thoughtful ‘well I did wonder why your mum was calling me by your dog’s name…’ Yuuri let out a small laugh

‘And you never questioned that?’ It was Victor’s turn to look embarrassed ‘well… I just put it down to being a weird Japanese thing I guess.’ Yuuri looked up, unimpressed ‘you thought it was a Japanese custom to call house guests by the names of dead pets?’

‘Well, it sounds stupid when you put it like that’ There was winey edge to Victor’s voice. ‘That’s because it is stupid,’ Yuuri responded, burying his face in Victor’s neck so he didn’t see the affectionate smile blooming on Yuuri’s face.

‘But Yuuuri, I’d never been to Japan before, how was I supposed to know?’ Yuuri frowned slightly at that ‘And before you say it, competitions don’t count!’

‘Oh, well I supposed you’re right’ Yuuri acquiesced. Competitions were always held in busy cities, accustomed to dealing with tourists. The small amount of time allowed between press conferences and skating was reserved for resting, leaving little opportunity to explore.

‘It was very overwhelming you know!’ Victor continued, deciding to milk it ‘I’ve never been to a foreign country on my own before and Yakov normally took care of everything at competitions, I got yelled at for trying to take Makkachin on a train!!’ Victor pouted dramatically.

‘Having my childhood idol show up naked in my family’s hot springs was overwhelming’

‘Well that wasn’t my fault either! I was planning on finding you to accept your invitation to be your coach but your family didn’t speak English’ Yuuri looked up, curious to hear Victor’s version of the event ‘they just kinda of ushered me into the hot-spring, assuming that’s what I was there for and then you came running in, looking terrified!’

Yuuri blushed slightly at that memory ‘Huh, I never realised you didn’t mean for it to go that way…’

‘I was actually planning on staying at a hotel rather than just moving in with you the day we met properly but I thought I may as well have stayed in your Yu-Topia, since I was there’ Victor looked uncharacteristically embarrassed ‘You must have thought I was nuts, your family too, since none of you knew that you actually asked me to be there!’

Yuuri laughed at that ‘well… my parents just put it down to being a weird foreigner thing’ his eyes sparkled with mirth, ‘Mari was a bit suspicious at first though, Minako too.’ Yuuri snorted ‘they thought you must have had some dark, ulterior motive for wanting to be my coach.’

‘Wow! I’m hurt…’ Victor put on his melodramatic pout again.

Yuuri cupped Victor’s cheek with his hand, smoothing out his pout his thumb ‘they all realised fairly quickly that that wasn’t true’ he said, smiling softly.

‘What about you then? Looking back on it, you didn’t seem that thrilled when I first showed up’

Yuuri thought back to when Victor first came to Hastetsu, everything was so different now, it was hard to remember how he felt back then.

‘I was happy, _very_ happy but,’ Yuuri paused for a moment, wondering how much of his feelings he wanted to share with Victor ‘I was scared’ Yuuri felt Victor’s body tense beneath his, an unhappy look on his face so rushed to explain himself. ‘I kept wondering if you’d realise you were wasting your time with me, especially when Yurio turned up as well. I thought if you got to know me you’d leave, so I was always trying to make sure you only ever saw the best version of me.’ Yuuri’s words didn’t seemed to help though and Victor’s usually bright face contorted into a frown.

‘Yuuri…’ Victor shifted them around so that they were laying side by side, facing each other. ‘You don’t feel like that now do you?’

‘No! No, I mean…’ Yuuri bit his lip ‘sometimes, but not really’.

‘What’s that supposed to mean? Either you do or you don’t.’ Victor couldn’t keep the frustration out of his voice, it wasn’t directed at Yuuri, more at himself, for failing to realise that Yuuri was apparently insecure about this. Victor winced slightly at how Yuuri quickly averted his gaze from his own, upsetting Yuuri was the opposite of his intention.

Yuuri sighed ‘It’s more complicated than that, Victor.’

Victor didn’t say anything for a moment and Yuuri started to wonder if he really was annoyed at him ‘well, can you explain then. Because I don’t understand.’

‘It’s just that I don’t- I don’t always think…’ Yuuri huffed, he always struggled to express himself with words. Victor being so standoffish and demanding that Yuuri explain what he didn’t fully understand himself was not helping matters.

Victor seemed to recognise Yuuri’s uneasiness and shifted back slightly, giving him space. ‘Sorry, sorry… it just upsets me that you’d think I’d ever want to be apart from you.’ He reached up, gently brushing Yuuri’s hair from where it had fallen in front of his eyes ‘you’re wonderful Yuuri, I’d give anything for you to see yourself the way I see you.’

Yuuri closed his eyes so Victor wouldn’t see the emotions welling up in them. ‘M sorry’ Yuuri mumbled.

Victor’s hand drifted down from Yuuri’s face to rest on his back, pulling Yuuri closer to him. ‘What are _you_ sorry for?’

Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor, pressing his face into his shoulder. ‘For… um, not seeing myself the way you see me?’

‘Yuuri, you don’t have to apologise for that… I just wish you would tell me how you really feel. I can’t help you if I don’t understand.’

Yuuri slumped ‘I don’t think you could help me anyway, it’s always been this way’

Victor’s hearted _ached_ for Yuuri, he felt a brief flash of anger at the world, at whatever higher powers might exist, at the whole universe for burdening Yuuri with his doubts because Yuuri lit up Victor’s whole life, his smile banished the cold emptiness that used to plague him and Yuuri deserved for Victor to be able to do the same for him, deserved to realise his own radiance. Yuuri deserved far more than anyone, Victor included, could ever give him.

‘Please, solnyshko, there must be something I can do to make it better, but I can’t do anything unless I know how you feel.’

Yuuri wrapped his arms firmly around Victor and buried his face into the fabric of his shirt, breathing in his scent. He found it easier to talk when he couldn’t see anyone, and no one could see him. He took a deep breath in, and out.

‘I’m okay most of the time but… sometimes I just, I just run out of energy to convince myself that you’re not better off without me-‘

‘But Yuuri-‘

‘Victor, let me finish’

‘Sorry, carry on.’ Victor planted a quick kiss on the top of Yuuri’s head.

‘And I know that’s not what you want, otherwise why would you be here? But I don’t know... it’s just hard to believe that you do actually want to be here.’ Victor stayed silent for a moment, not wanting to interrupt Yuuri again if he wanted to continue.

‘But you said you don’t feel like this all the time? There must be something that causes it, and a way to avoid it, right?’ Victor prompted.

‘Victor I am 24 years old, if there was a way to never feel anxious I’m pretty sure I would have figured it out by now.’

‘But you’ve never allowed someone to help you before,’ Victor pressed.

Yuuri’s first instinct was to protest but deep down he knew he couldn’t, not without outright lying anyway. It was true, he’d never allowed other people to be privy to his most personal feelings, not even Phichit, his closest friend ever got more than a simple ‘not feeling great today’ or something along the lines of that. Yuuri had always believed he could face his fears alone and been too proud to admit when he knew he needed help. Victor knew that, Yuuri had told him the story of the girl he pushed away when she tried to comfort him and why he’d done that. Victor was the only person he’d ever explained something so intimate to. He remembered how he felt admitting that to Victor, like he could breathe freely for the first time in the weeks since Victor’s arrival. He remembered how he’d resolved to open up more to Victor, who always met him where he was.

‘Yuuri?’ Victor prompted after a few moments of silence.

‘My anxiety doesn’t always have a cause, it’s just there but I guess sometimes, it gets set off by things…’

‘Like what? Can you give me an example?’

‘Well… It seems silly now because it was but, in Barcelona after my short program, I was already upset because my score was lower than what I had been getting, and you were talking off talking to reporters and when we were watching everyone else’s skates you seemed so focused on them…’ _instead of me_ Yuuri doesn’t add because that would make him sound like a petulant child. ‘But I guess I was just getting more and more upset about my short program and you didn’t seem to notice…’

Yuuri feels a lump in his throat at the memory, not one he particularly wanted to relive but he’d never fully explained his actions to Victor in their hotel room that night and he owed him and explanation, now was a good time for it. ‘Um, you usually notice when I have something on my mind so I thought-’ Yuuri took a deep breath to steady himself, determined not to cry over something so stupid. ‘You seemed more invested in the other skater’s performances than you ever had been before and I thought that you’d just finally gotten bored of me, that you wanted to move forward and I was holding you back.’

Yuuri took in a shaky breath. ‘But I know that’s not true now… obviously’

‘Oh, Yuuri, I’m sorry solnyshko I should have been paying more attention to you’ Victor hugged Yuuri tighter, guilt curdling in his stomach. Yuuri had told Victor that he'd realised he wanted to return to skating, but he never explained what lead him to that conclusion.

‘No, you shouldn’t have. It’s not your responsibility to look after me’ Yuuri said firmly.

‘Actually, it is, as your coach and as your fiancé but that’s not the point!’ Yuuri looked up at Victor’s bright eyes. ‘I want to help you solnyshko, it’s not because I feel responsible for you, it’s because the thought of you feeling like that breaks my heart and because you deserve to see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone sees you!’

Yuuri felt a little flustered at Victor’s words but he felt warmth blossom in his chest none the less.

‘Yuuri, can you tell me if you start feeling anxious like that again? Maybe I can’t make it go away but I can at least reassure you, that would help, wouldn’t it?’

Yuuri nods against Victor’s chest. Then adds an ‘mmhm’ just in case Victor didn’t catch the action. Yuuri felt Victor place a gentle kiss on his head.

Yuuri lent up before pressing his lips firmly against Victor’s.

‘Thank you, Victor.’

‘What for?’

‘For… for being you.’

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I actually wrote this back in 2017, I found the draft when I was organising files on my laptop! I thought I may as well publish it, it is our best boy's birthday after all!
> 
> [My tumblr!](https://grewlikefancyflowers.tumblr.com)


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